You Know You're a Racist If….

Last week, my brother and I were encouraged by our sister to hang out with her dorky fiancé, Ben. She says, “You guys never ask Ben to go out or watch football, he’s beginning to think that you don’t like him”

“We don’t”

“Why? Well just give him a chance, pretend if you must, but please, just take him out this weekend. You know that he will be your brother-in-law, blah, blah, blah.”

My brother Max and I always refer to Ben as the safety-man, he is a typical college dweeb that’s feverishly training to become some sort of inspector. He doesn’t grasp sarcasm or any sort of bull shittin’ around, he takes everything on face value, very literal.

So we figured that we would take him out and get him plastered, which is another subject all its own. Before Ben loosened up and was teleported up to the land of hilarious regret by way of the liqueur express, he was quite belligerent and opinionated.

He argued that white folks are inherently racist, most of them are blissfully unaware of this fact, rooted somewhere deep within their sub-conscience brews a vile puddle seething with toxic racism.

If this woke sage is indeed correct, someone must sound the alarm and alert the white population. I am committed to being that “someone”, a modern-day Paul Revere, but instead of warning that the British are coming, I must inform white folks that they are uppity racist scum, whether they know it or not.

Are you white and not thoroughly convinced of your inherent racism? I’ve compiled a shortlist of the most obvious tell-tale signs that even a jamoke like Petey Buttedge can identify with.

Let’s go…. You know you’re a racist if…..

  • You’re an insensitive white teacher from New York and you can’t differentiate your black students from a dumb hairy primate.
  • You’re an honest and hard-working white man, reluctant to fork over your “fair share” for reparations, announcing that none of your ancestors were slave owners and millions of black recipients are not even the descendants of slaves, so what, you fucking racist!
  • All the jokes you know begin with, “What do you call a black guy….”
  • You believe that basketball went to hell when it became dominated by freakishly tall black men, that regularly dunk the ball.
  • You refer to black women as sexual chocolate.
  • You ignorantly claim that most African nations were better off when they were colonized and controlled by the white man, even though that is statistically correct.
  • You are petrified of a black woman’s wig and the prospect of what might be living beneath it.
  • You ever have to qualify yourself with statements like, some of my best friends are black, I grew up in a black neighborhood, I’m color-blind, and I even dated a black chick (in the first grade).
  • You believe that all lives matter.

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